Honestly, I’ve had my share of all the above…
“Corrupt! Compromised! Cultish! Stealing! Not ok!”
I made people and whatever they said my saving grace, often without realizing at first that I did. I just walked into it by seeking, looking for solutions, watching, listening… desiring something different in my life, to feel more ‘grounded’ and to have control over what showed up in my life. Mostly while avoiding another thing or with having a fixed point of view about something having to change…
I also went against other (peoples) points of view, realities, systems and institutions – and with that, I went against what I know.
I’ve hurt myself many times with the endeavors I went on, with the choices I made, often not even realizing that I was actually the choosing one, or that I had choice, or that I asked for something or some other sort of change…
Was that a bad thing…? It sure felt terrible many times….
What did I do every time?
I chose to go beyond it, I allowed me and other parties to evolve with it. Out-created. I went beyond the pain and at a certain point I realized that If everything is actually energy in motion and energy transforming, so all of those situations actually also were energy in motion and transformation…
Reflecting on all the looking somewhat ‘unfortunate’ events and situations, I can now say I was merely asking for more empowerment of me. I didn’t ‘just’ walk into it by coincidence.
I have to admit, I’m a seeker. I do look for the beautiful and happy things in life. To make things ‘better’. What I didn’t realize is that that pretty much always showed up as something that I thought it ‘wasn’t ok’ or wasn’t fun. With me, with others, in life in general. Mostly, only then I would choose change.
There was an urgency in my world to not feel powerless, hypnotized, clueless or blown out of the water and to have more clarity with all the areas that I felt like that..
There was not really a desire for something else or something ‘greater’, more the desire to not suffer and feel better, which started to change my life into different directions
Let me let you in further…
It’s quite a read though, so if you proceed, I’m inviting you to just let it in and through 🙂
Going from working as a performing artist to living as an entrepreneur, invited me to open up: to be and receive.
Before getting familiar with some Access tools, I used to basically feel psyched out about pretty much everything.
As a performer executor of directions, I was freggin’ great at what I did. Also I was a star in keeping a whole theatre show running and keeping ‘my cast’ healthy and on point when I was in charge of supervising and running the show. Being social and interacting was something I did for work purposes only and only if my ‘role’ was clear.
I used to avoid ‘groups’, social gatherings and group energies. I only did the bare minimum of ‘people’ required. For example showing up for work at the theatre, at least knowing what the schedule would be, knowing who I was gonna work with that day, also knowing who I did and did not like and who or what I wanted to avoid to not get sucked into their reality. I didn’t wanna get in there, so I closed myself off and used so much energy to control it… it was no wonder that I felt powerless, as it was not really changing and it did not help to feel any better.
All of that (passive aggressive) avoidance was not at all a choice I was very clear about. At those moments it looked like it ‘just happened’ like that, coming from something that was merely a build up of coping mechanisms, to deal with being alive on the planet and having a body, which obviously made me subject to – or ‘victim’ of – many energies, particular behavior of people and myself and physical ailments.
CHANGE showed up – and nót in the way that I expected or could even think of
- Being physically injured a lot of times
- Being bullied and vilified a lot throughout my entire life
- Contracting what is called ‘HIV’, plus all realities that come with that
- Being suicidal for a great two years
- Near physical death of what is called ‘AIDS’ pretty much right after I became a fresh Access Consciousness facilitator ‘on the rise’ and while still being in huge conflict with the medical system and eager to find golden pathway between ‘alternative’ and medical
- Being accused of being ‘corrupt’, ‘crazy’, ‘compromised’ or ‘lying’ by any given individual, including family, ‘friends’ and theatre colleagues, that didn’t like what I was presenting or the way it came across to them
- Being accused of backstabbing and stealing by other Access Facilitators that I first considered to be my ‘friends’, while being ‘backstabbed’ and attacked myself, including lots of national and international bad-mouthing
- Being cursed and gaslighted into doubting myself, not even truly realizing what created that, yet always somewhere knowing it wasn’t my own thinking, even when I thought it was
- Creating near personal bankruptcy with my Access business, after creating all of that without a reference point, nor experience and after making way more money than I had ever thought was possible with financial mismanagement
- Not being able and eventually willing to travel anymore ‘because’ of the money and the huge tax bills that kept on piling up
- Working with people that looked very flexible and in the question that were actually very controlling to a degree that was destructive of the possibilities I was generating – or people that said they were gonna do one thing and then went on doing something else, leaving me clueless with another ‘thing’ to resolve after paying them, both showing me that I was probably the most controlling one, while bumping from the one thing into the next while navigating the choices and decisions that were there for me to make
I mean… lots of things I could still see as terrible events, bad and blamey things and huge and unchangeable mistakes…
Was I empowered in and with those situations when it occurred…? Did I learn ‘how’ to go about with all of that…? NO – in fact I did find myself to be clueless, maybe even a victim during and after the occurance “why me?”, yet I already knew that ‘victim thing’ is never true so I couldn’t fully go there anymore. I knew and I know nothing ever ‘just happens to me’, so it was just simply really painful in those moments of dealing with the conflictual realities that showed up, with my knowing and consciousness purging through it like a wildfire
Was I asking for something different?
Was there an urgency for something different, that I mostly hadn’t even put words to…?
Had I made a choice – or more choices – that openend up to what had shown up?
It’s not been easy – and often the ‘easy’ choices don’t create the greatest change (so what did I choose…?) yet what I got out of that was and is a couple of things:
- The true power of allowance – for everything. Not judging anything or anyone to the zero point, including myself
Even when things go apeshit. Even when ALL the judgment was up right in my face. Even when life took and takes a different turn that I thought I wasn’t ready for. When it’s hard. Even when the leaders and people that inspire me show up and lash out in ways that seemingly vilify, blame and shame others, go beyond their own book or simply chose something that I don’t see coming and shatter some more glass houses and pedestals I put them on without realizing that I did – as it does with many others.
That shows me 2 things: everything about where I’m filtered, resisting, reacting, aligning and agreeing that had made myself blind for that energy, that choice and the behavior that followed ánd what I was creating with that – and it shows me what people choose, whether I get it or not.
I mean, about ‘allowance’: being physically hooked up to ventilators for a good 6 weeks to keep my lungs open while lying on a hospital bed, looking at the razor sharp chin-bones coming through the skin on my lower legs, my body being 45 kg (in stead of 72 kg), not being able to move anywhere while also sensing most of the people that were working with me, slowly move away from me… There I learned a thing or 2 about allowance. Nearly physically dying while having a whole lot of projections and expectations on me, surely got me to relax the f*ck into allowance fast…
Apparently I liked things to be intense and to have a rough wake up call in the areas where I had stopped being in the question. Choice creates awareness 🙂
- Clarity with the continuous change, evolution and expansion of consciousness within me and in other people and systems
When something ‘corrupt’ ‘personal’ or accusative occurs, I know I either asked for something else or there’s a change I can contribute to.
If I ask for change, it will show up. Whatever way and with whatever players. The same applies others. If they ask for change, it will show up and I might be one of the players or facilitators of, in and with that change. ‘Because’ I can simply be that or ‘because’ I could drop some points of view or I’m also asking for a change or empowerment in that area. It never shows up the way I can imagine.
I was looking at the word ‘cult’ last week again and I realized that: for me, being born in this reality is like joining a cult without realizing that I was. Even though I got bought up without specific religion, I did grow up with the whole belief system based on right and wrong and the invalidation of choice, question and being… the amount of fixed points of view, the disbelief in magic… it would only make sense to me that anything a group of people coming together can – and most likely always will – have ‘cultish’ energy to it. Either it is solid, or it’s moving energy. If I look around I could identify everything and every group and every society as a ‘cult’.
What is my point of view on that…? I can mistrust myself and anyone else all the time, or try to defend ‘it’s not’ – and that is so freggin’ tiring. It’s not what I am and not what I’d like to invite others too.
Maybe that’s why I like all being up by myself in my ‘ivory tower’ or ‘cottage in the woods’…? Alone? ‘Autonomous’…?
That kinda clarified that I never went to groups to belong and was perfectly ok being by myself, yet more and more I also desired more engagement with others. When I would get into a group there, would be clicks and subgroups with energies – ‘people’ – that had found each other, that again I would shy away from, as I made it personal. Now I know I’m willing to create whatever, with whatever groups based on my choices, curiosity and what is there, yet getting into groups at first, while being 100% aware of everyone’s possibilities and insanity, was not always easy and still it can be challenging, yet I know I can be creative IF I chose. The more I’ve practiced with actually choosing to engage – starting from the space I am – the more the gifts, the dirt, the lies, the pretense, the wannabe and the changes are easier to sense, identify and follow through.
This goes in waves and I’m still exploring.
- Knowing that me and others often don’t do as we say is such a gift to me
It has freed me from the fantasy that anyone is perfect or right or functioning as ‘all-knowing’ and that people know better. I started to refrain from personally interpreting anyones and anything’s actions, words, choices and verbal, written, energetic, psychological and physical attacks. If I don’t make it personal, it can not stick. Maybe I still sense the sticking points and feel it in my body when it occurs… it can also be absolutely dreadful or look like it’s hugely disempowering to me in that moments… it is now a sign of empowerment for me.
I someone wants to be treated in some way, I can treat them that way, knowing that I’m doing that.
- Knowing that really nothing is personal, from me or towards me, even though it can look like it, feel like it, or be interpreted like it, has been relieving so much stress I used to have.
As a kid I already said things that I didn’t mean or didn’t know why I said it. Lots just came through me, I openend my mouth without filter and I spoke. Now I just hush most of the time as everything I could talk to and from 24/7 is energy in motion and transformation. That would be a whole lot of unnecessary talking to energies that are not even relevant for be to express even though I am aware of it.
- My point of view and unawareness also determines how I am being treated by others
Whether it’s someone on the street, my lover, my family, someone from the groups I engage with, people, systems and organizations with ‘authority’:
How I am treated by others, says a lot – if not everything – about my point of view about me or ‘them’ ánd it shows me the unawareness I am – or was – functioning from in that relationship. As well it shows me what I am allowing to occur ánd the awareness of everything on the other side at the other party.
Again, moving energy. I’ve found there is ALWAYS a change.
This was really taking it many steps further for me.
I realized that whatever other people and groups are choosing in regards to me is beyond my direct control. I have tried to control it, to stop it, to change it with great control ‘back’: “don’t do that, don’t treat me like that” or “would you please….?” and many of those socially ‘appropriate’ versions, yet that never actually worked. It sounds ideal that people would simply just listen – and usually, they don’t 🙂 It had no lasting effect on others, it only affected me. And if it feels like, or I am being controlled by ‘them’ I tells me I don’t have total clarity with me ánd them, plus I’m allowing – or have allowed – thát kind of control, which can result in an attack or some sort of other thing…
To make it really simple for me: if it can occur, there is space for it to occur or an attraction to it in my world, usually a judgement, a point of view or some sort of ‘energetic bedding’ of unawareness, which looks like I’m not contributing anything to the situation. “They did that to me” LOOKS like I have no freggin power at all, which is not true.
That doesn’t mean I will simply allow that to keep on occurring, while it is sooo easy to dwell in the suffering or to judge the entire situation into oblivion… to do or endure the blaming and shaming.
I’ve found that the moments of ‘suffering, being angry and disappointed’ are also the space to access the power to out-create it. To take the power back to me, even if I have to burn through it. However terrible it looks and feels in the moment, even when te whole entire world might have a point of view or a opinion about it:
‘they’ are not ME
It takes true vulnerability and often it’s not easy as ALL things can come up. Yet, I must NOT avoid te ‘suffer and victim’ space – and all those energies – as thát is the moment to get clear with ME – without trying to figure out ‘why’ they act like that
“Ok, they do that (whatever it is) – and this is my reaction or responsive behavior…
What is my point of view here?
Do I have a point of view?
What is creating this…?
What is allowing this to occur…?
What have I actually asked for that IS showing up…?”
and usually it is something changing and revealing itself that is way bigger beyond my own life and living – including my own life and living.
I mean, I absolutely hated asking those questions… probably as it’s what has empowered me the most in situations of conflict. The more I’ve used them, even if it was only after te moment of depression, implosion, explosion and fury, it’s allowed me to get to know ME as that navigating marshmallow, that can – and does – take the bullet, to let it melt. The one that change realities and the one that can choose allowance, with THAT behavior and those energies in motion.
It has always shown me I’m strong enough and/or capable enough.
What was next is:
“Is this what I’d still like to have? Do? Be and function from…?”
“What is the gift in this? What is the gift in ME…?”
“WTF do I have to acknowledge about ME? Ánd them…? Ánd all the energies involved…?”
That was next! Change – and swinging the questions in empowers ME first.
“You/they do this and that” has more and more become information, rather to look at and be aware than me pointing my fingers (back) at others. It took me lots of daily life practice and honestly, I find the amount of peace that it can bring awesome.
I find that peace of being, evening the face of total insanity and fixed points of view, (even when it’s named differently – for example “awareness”) is an awesome side-effect of being willing to see, know and always remember the power of me in any situation.
I do not have to react. And if I notice I’m reacting it’s an unexplored power in disguise.
- Knowing what I know is true for me – which by the way is not a solid or ‘right’ thing.
Knowing is light and fast – and it’s so easily overshadowed by a fixed point of view or some other noise if I am not willing to know. Know what’s true for me and what is not.
I had to unlearn myself – and still am – to believe anything just because it’s said or written. I’m training myself to know and to be faster and easier with knowing what I know.
If I see or hear someone say – or scream – a statement, it’s just a statement. It’s just energy. If I see or hear someone present a different point of view or a possibility, its simply a different point of view or a possibility. Also just energy.
If that point of view is new to me, it is now a possibility in my world, which I can include to choose or not choose. It does not make them ‘right’ for express that statement or that point of view, nor does if make them wrong. They just express, share and contribute something, whether it is ‘theirs’ or not. I used to also still make so many things real about what people say. That’s following, not knowing.
Funny now I can see people scream anything at me, and I KNOW even if it feels solid and real, it IS changing, sooner or later. It can’t hold ground anymore as is used to as it’s not getting enough foundation to anchor, in ME.
Yeah, its taken a great 10 years of living, extensive trial and error, choice creates awareness, learning as I go along and the rest of my life span with many difficult moments and endeavors plus so much fabulosity along the way. Lots of conversations with many different people, people that actually cared for me and people that didn’t.
It looks like I’m forgetting about the fabulous and amazing moments and I am not.
What is fabulous to me is the amount of peace that is emerging within me and so many others. Many are not living as peaceful as they could. Many are stil detoxing, mad and angry or maybe simply not interested in being at peace…
I’ve studied and watched nature enough now to know what I can be. To heal and detox from lots of insanity. To be empowered as nature. Peaceful and intense. I’ve only just started to truly live that for about a year now. It’s bumpy and fiery and I’m actually starting to enjoy myself and having a sense of me without avoiding and suppressing it. Obviously the continuous evolution also applies here.
Im more empowered than I’ve ever been, even though I had no idea that this what that would look like. A lot was kind of the opposite way.
I have never truly fit in any group or I made it so that I did not fit when I was pulled into it. Now I can see that as a gift to stay on my own course. What has been very new and exciting the last couple of years to also start receiving from and contributing to any ‘group’, community, any energy and any individual I encounter. Drag-land, the LGBTQIA+ ‘community, Access, attending meet ups in my area. It’s easier now, if now easy and fun as I have a sense of ‘me’ now. I KNOW who and what I am.
Also having to deal with so called authorities like the government, tax authorities, police, judicial fraud and harassment against me, bailiffs coming to my house, eventually made me drop my resistance, get in there and receive… move the energies around, get smarter and empower ME with it.
‘Merlijn Island’ is and has been changing and expanding into a something else that I’m actually curious and excited about to explore.
A lot of the above almost sounds like ‘trust no one’ and it’s not quite that. PMy invite is to trust you. With whatever tool, individual, leader, facilitator, playmate or modality. People simply choose what they choose and do what they do.
It might only invite you to the power of you and what you know, whether that is an acknowledgement that creates instant peace of being or a more painful situation wherein having your head in the ground or up your own ass is long overdue and you finally pull it out or it gets pulled out for you, or by realizing you were simply not empowered in that area of your life and you actually desire – or would have to be – to move onto something else.
It’s a very intimate journey with self, the truth and empowerment of self that I know now I came here for, which is not only about me: it affects everything around me and within me.
More and more I can see the power and the gift in everything – even if it seemed insurmountable or extremely confusing at that time.
“You get it when you get it” – and for me it keeps going.
Last week I renewed my license to be an Access Consciousness® Facilitator and going into my 8th year. I had some mixed energies around it before, during and after the training, which I’d like to say is great.
For me everything can come up – I can either make it very personal and let myself be pulled into it and be influenced by it, or I can see it as moving energy though everything from a perspective that is more spacious and observing, one that usually also has less words. I’ve been choosing the last one primarily and it’s a lot more joyful than the first one that swings me back into the matrix immediately.
I do enjoy a lot about my Access Facilitation Biz and there are many things that I tend to not enjoy at all, yet it always invites me to question everything and choose again.
If I am creating my life, living and future as the leader of it, including every other life I touch:
What leader am I?
What leader would I like to be?
What Access Facilitator am I?
Would I still like to be an Access Facilitator?
What would it create…?
What Access Facilitator would I like to be?
I still looooove facilitating and using and facilitating with – or simply being – the tools that came in to my life through Access Consciousness, when it was absolutely urgent and when I was asking for change.
It changed everything and openend up to living a life beyond judgment.
What a f***ing relief and what a gift.
First I got inspired to get into it all for me and quickly followed the urge to make this easier to choose for others by being a mouthpiece – and poster boy – for it.
What are the results of 10 years of committing to this?
I’ve seen so many people create a life and living beyond what they could imagine with using some access tools and taking some classes to empower what they know, also to clarify what they’d like to stop and like to go for and explore.
I’ve seen people change their body and the way they function with their body adding access tools and processes to what is already there.
I’ve seen people change their business and money realities so dynamically by getting clear on what their choices and priorities are and what they’d love to have as their life, may it be fast or may it take longer.
I’ve seen people get happier than they were by pulling themselves out of everything first and by re-engaging with everything in their life and what is possible in a different way.
I’ve seen people change from sick, drugged, tired, depressed, suicidal and nearly dying to getting the sense of what they are as energy that is always in motion as the chooser in their life and business.
All of the above including me
I also started realizing that living by example does not mean I have to ‘get it right’. Not “I have to be the right example that is not wrong” and in fact, I never will get it ‘right’. It should not be a desirable thing, yet the more I am functioning as the all-inclusive individual – using whatever tools – the easier, more congruent and non-filtered I can be in the now-moment, whether I’m creating with myself or other people. The more I’m willing to be wrong and to do ‘wrong’ and fuck up, the more I evolve and be the invitation for change. I was terrified to ‘do wrong’ or to do harm and with that point of view I did harm more people than I intended, yet now I know: moving energy. Nothing is a coincidence and I can always change in the next moment, wether the other parties shift along or not. Mostly they do on their own and with their own timing. It’s occurred enough times for me to know: consciouness has our backs.
Any ungraspable space, any change or unasked question leaves so much room for interpretation by others and I’ve learned it’s ok that people have their interpretations. In fact, I’ve found that they would actually have to have those interpretations come up in the evolution to more clarity – wether they cognitively asked for that or not. I can’t and must not control other people and can’t control the movement and transformation of energy ánd the attempts to stop it by any given source or force, or the conclusions that can sneak in with interpretation. I simply have to keep it moving myself, by acknowledging the situations and the energies coming up and changing simultaneously. Any conclusion that I will put on to it will stick me and others – and beyond that I will not contribute to the expansion of consciousness.
How I – and ‘we’ show up as people interaction with each other and with this reality I can now see as a play-out of energy, choices, change and the actions and situations that come from that are merely a display of the evolution. No one is holy and having a personification for consciousness is not my reality anymore.
The way I am exploring to using the questions and ‘choice’ now is so different. Not as an airy fairy avoidance of clarity tactic, or to solve something or to keep myself spinning in it: I’m actually enjoying the ease, the relaxation and the intensity of living as the question more and more after all the ‘live-hard’ moments. It’s a great ‘inside’ job that I sense is paying itself off more and more in being at peace with whatever shows up.
This is a new experience for me.
I’ve been catching myself actually using the questions to open up to new possibilities in stead of fixing the old ánd feel great about it in stead of conflicted, which apparently took what it took. 10 Years of using the questions myself, facilitating countless classes and sessions and of course the greatest action ‘tool’: living.
Last week I also realized: the only primary ways of visible functioning in the world up to now were being a performing artist and an Access Consciousness Facilitator. I hardly had reference point or curiosity to something else, even though I had many invitations to it and questions about it… and all of a sudden I could peacefully ask:
What can I add to my life?
What else can I do, be and contribute that I haven’t considered…?
I’m looking at a future where theatre and my facilitation business are still two of the ‘things’ I do and what I’m also available for. People will get what I will bring to the table, not what others would do with it or as it.
and… what’s next?
What else can I choose…?
Where else can I go…?
I’m celebrating change, in all possible ways.
Consciousness has my back, so it has yours.
Thank you for reading